Poetic Shop Talk Presents: Dead Horse Beaten and Eviscerated

Below you'll find what I hope is something closer to the final version of the sonnet I've been working on for Tom Daley's class. If you have time, please check earlier versions here and here, then read the new one. Let me know what you think. If think I'm at least 90% closer to nailing down the rhythm, if not more. Even shortening the title was a big help. My one compromise (if you can call it that) was removing some of the verbs that Tom instead wanted me to improve on. I felt that I couldn't without making the pentameter sounding almost long-winded and instead worked around them, making the whole poem roll off the tongue more easily. I don't know if he'll think I copped out, but i don't believe I did. If I could have made them work, I would have persisted.

Without further delay...


Your Friend Prepares For War

Last week, a sandbox would forecast Iraq.
Your friend's son deployed armies there one day,
shoved plastic casualties in sand and rock
before he quit and searched for other play.

Cut roses by the quick-stop registers,
more displaced life, exchanged too heedlessly.
You singled out one bouquet for your girl.
At least they didn't die as pointlessly.

It's quiet now. The mob is spreading out.
You're sure they watch and wait for voiced dissent.
The hanging nooses fitted for your throat
they wear as yellow ribbons. Still, you went
to walk behind those marching for your friend,
and for your silence, stayed American.