Poetic Shop Talk Presents: Version 3.0

In my last workshop, it was pointed out that in version 2.0, the second-to-last sentence was too long and more of the subtlety was lost.

Tom's looking at the version below over the weekend. I'm skeptic about the constant use of "your friend." I also have to wonder if changing my "the son" part in line two was a bit much. However, one of the reasons I took the class was to learn how to use word-repetition effectively.

The workshop drove me crazy when I changed it to "his son" in line two (in a version I didn't put up here), They still couldn't figure out who the "his" was. It's as spelled out as it can be now, perhaps sacrificing the rythym I'm supposed to be capturing in a traditional sonnet.

I'm almost afraid that if I workshop this again, someone's gonna go, "Wait, back up, who's the 'Your' in the title?"

If I elaborate any further, iambic pentameter will be a fucking impossibility.

The easier task was accepting the idea that I couldn't get anything to rhyme well with "tricks." I opted for changing the final stanza almost entirely. A rhyming dictionary was suggested, but I tend to stay away from them, as they can influence the amateurish (or, in my case, the desperate) to use a word they would never have thought of in a million years.

"Let's see what rhymes with Tricks ... Oh, yeah. Yeah. The River Styx!!!"

Not always a good idea.

Anyway, here's a newer, hopefully fresher version of the sonnet.

While Your Friend Prepares For War

Last week, the sandbox turned into Iraq.
Your friend’s son used his army there one day,
left plastic casualties midst dirt and rock
before he left in search of other play.

Those roses from the quick-stop registers,
More displaced life, exchanged too easily.
You bought some, planned to give them to your girl,
and hoped they wouldn’t die as pointlessly.

It’s quiet now. The mob is spreading out.
You’re sure they slyly watch for your dissent
with hanging nooses ready for your throat
disguised as yellow ribbons. Still, you went
to sit amongst the others, cheer your friend.
You sat in silence, stayed American.